"What is this thing called Love?"

You've heard the saying "be careful what you wish for", implying that if it shows up you might be sorry. First of all, I am NOT sorry! Falling in love with Robert is one of the most wonderful things that has ever happened to me, second only to being married to Norris and giving birth to the wonderful Melissa.

We often wish to be happy. I am happy. Is it easy? Is it stree-free? Am I totally comfortable with it? No. No. No. Two months ago I was tooling along, mostly accepting the widowhood status, joining the fitness center, enjoying my friends and spiritual direction practice, kind of "fishing" for a new man in my life. I was independent, could come and go as I chose, didn't have to please anyone but my dog and two cats; I had freedom.

Now I'm a "prisoner of love". Now there is someone who cares. Now there is someone for whom I care. Decisions aren't made lightly. My time is not just my own. Now others miss my presence. Now I don't know if I'm coming or going. Now I don't know if I want to stay in Lansing or move to Santa Fe. Now he doesn't know either. Now I pray with him morning and evening, even when I don't feel like it. He does the same. Now I try to think of ways to surprise and please him; he does the same.

Why is it so hard to change? Especially when the change promised is the best thing you can think of? Because we're creatures of habit, I guess. Because we like security and predictability, I guess.
Because we're a bit afraid of the new, I guess.

Would I have things any other way? Not a chance! I am grateful to my core. This "thing" called love is exciting, stimulating, creative, delightful, sometimes painful, always a deep joy! May God help us to change, to fall into love, to touch the other, and through that touch, help to heal the world.

Summer Solstice

As I write on this beautiful June evening, the longest hours of daylight in the year, I listen to a collection of songs which I received in the mail today from a wonderful man. He has become so dear to my heart in just a few short months, after we connected in an e-course on The Spirituality of Gratitude. And each of us has become increasingly grateful for the other and for our growing relationship.

Today I had tea with a friend who has gone through a terrible physical ordeal. She struggles to come back to who she was before or to find a new direction, filled with conflicting emotions and uncertainties.

After she had shared her story, I felt it was OK to tell her about the "new life" I'm experiencing. After over five years of learning to be independent, of living alone, of surviving without my partner of 40 years, of suffering deep loneliness, God has opened the way to another love, one that is rich in every way, with God at the center. New love doesn't cancel the old, of course, but it brings discovery, hope, fun, delight, opportunities, joy, gratitude.

I could see how the radiance of my face was infectious; how my friend began to smile and how her eyes sparkled. The love he and I have found is spilling over into other lives, as each of us desires to be more patient, more trusting, more gracious, more pleasant with everyone we encounter, with all life. It is a privilege and joy to share our happiness with you, whoever reads this.

Jesus said, "I have come that you may have life and that you may have it more abundantly." May you find life ever more abundant, friend, even in the midst of all the fears, concerns, wonderments, changes, confusions. Love is stronger than all of it!

A Sweet Day of Gratitude

You know how teachers rejoice when they see a student succeed or reconnect with one years later and receive appreciation? Well, today I really felt like a spiritual director with a history--not of students, of course, but of precious persons who have chosen to sit with me over time, sharing prayer, silent meditation, their struggles, their special relationships, their fears, their surprises of Grace, their awe, their love, their very souls.

I attended the Ordination of a young directee to the Methodist ministry this afternoon, in Adrian, where I was born. In fact, I was baptized in the United Methodist Church there. Years later, I began trekking there to retreats, experiencing the beauty and grace of Weber Center and the Adrian Dominican nuns.

But today was a day to observe and rejoice. The Bishop preached an inspiring sermon, the music was lovely, and I was moved as I stood to support him during the formal laying on of hands.

Confidentiality does not allow me to use his name, though he probably wouldn't mind folks hearing about the commitment he made today--one that he knows will not be easy or make him materially rich or allow for much leisure time. I was so proud of him. And when I met family members, they all knew who I was, said they'd heard about me, said how much I had influenced him. Really? I didn't know that. Of course we know it was the Spirit that touched him, but I was definitely involved. :)

At the reception, I connected with a dear friend, Bob Roth, a pastor in Ann Arbor. At a critical time in his journey we spent a couple of years meeting for direction. As we stood talking, he spoke to another pastor, who looked at me wide-eyed, then threw her arms around me. Another former directee, one whose first child (now in college) I blessed in utero as his mom sat on my living room couch. She and Bob told the newly ordained how much their time in direction had meant to them.

Upon arriving home, I found a phone message from yet another former directee who had managed to finish an exhausting and very challenging physical event. She called to thank me for my prayer support. Opened the email and there were messages from two current directees, one reporting on a recent trip and saying thanks for my prayers; the other from one who had had a good retreat experience.

I wonder why God does this sometimes. Why would I receive "messages" of love, confidence, respect and gratitude from SIX different ones I have loved through this ministry, all on the same day--a day, incidentally, when I skipped going to my own church? :)

What a grace to be surrounded with that love and respect! A real affirmation of a calling to a significant ministry. Not a ministry that is publicly noticed or lauded; not a ministry that pays much money; not a ministry that many are even aware of; but a ministry that offers precious intimate understanding and support for anyone seeking a deeper relationship with God and with his or her self. I am so proud to be a part of this ministry, so grateful to give and receive the love of good and sincere people.

I guess this post is pretty much "all about me", but I hope you who read it will be blessed somehow and will realize that whatever you give with a loving and generous heart is received by God and others and it does make a difference.

Vanity, vanity

Why must my upper arms be flabby and look all wrinkled and bumpy? This is of utmost importance to me today. Because there's nothing else in all of creation to be concerned about, is there? Oh, well, I suppose a few impending disasters. But how could any of those put me into such a snit as seeing how the new clothes I tried on yesterday showed those ugly old arms? And I feel sure I'm the only 68 year old woman in the world who looks this way. :)

It's almost that bad and that sad. I'm disgusted with myself--for caring, for letting my arms get that way, for allowing my ego to be so easily distracted, for having the audacity to think I am a fairly spiritually deep person. Huh! Nope. Just a human being, darn it. I wanted to be perfect; I needed to be perfect. Otherwise no one would love me, right?

And even though I thoroughly believe God loves me, why do I still fear people don't? From the outside view, many would say I am successful and popular, even beloved by some. But stand in a women's clothing store looking at my less than perfect image in the mirror and I fall off into a pit of self-contempt. Well, it's humbling. It truly is.

So I have no wisdom or piety to offer today. Just an admission that I take two steps forward and one step back, like everyone else. But then, when I think of it, that sounds like a dance, doesn't it?
Maybe life really is a dance, eh?
Hope I can just manage to stay upright.

Oh and by the way, the bird in the porch light nest is a robin!!!