A Fierce Determination & Remembering my Mother

Today I rallied, with the help of God! Did not attend a morning social event and instead meditated for an hour, did some intentional things like removing pictures and voice mails that I need to forget, did the laundry and some dusting, organized stuff to prepare the guest room for my weekend house guest, answered another umpteen emails, and spent an hour going through VERY old stuff in the basement, quickly acquiring a huge pile on the floor for the trash.

In the midst of that clearing, I found reminders of my life from high school, college and early marriage. They were sweet and precious, several written by loved ones who are now gone--my mother, my sister, Ann, and my loving husband. It was comforting and reminded me that I have had so much good life, so much for which to give thanks. So between savoring what has been, letting go of what I can, and trusting there will be more ahead, I am on a better course again. Happy? Not really. But grateful and hopeful and more willing than usual to "let go and let God."

A couple of you responded so lovingly to my last post and that helped renew my spirit as well. We do need one another! And yet, at times, the most loving thing we can do for ourselves and some others, is to let go.

Tomorrow is May! Spring is in full flower. Rejoice and be glad! And give thanks.

Not sure what title to put on things tonight. I have been sad and feeling overwhelmed all day. Even picked a fight with my daughter when she came over to help me with the yard.

Wish I could think of some obvious reason for this anguish. I know I'm in grief over many losses, especially my life partner. And I know I'm worried about all the chaos and fear and loss whirling around in Michigan and elsewhere.

I talked with my spiritual director today and she helped me recognize some of what might be "ailing" me. One thing I know for sure is that I've been neglecting my prayer/meditation discipline, which, like any other kind of exercise, needs to be practiced with regularity. Here I am, someone who espouses a prayerful way of life and yet find it difficult just now to face into my relationship with God in a truly vulnerable way.

I take on too many relationships, which I try to nurture, but can't keep up with. Feel like I'm always letting someone, or more than one someone, down. So when my daughter came to help, I lit into her--probably because we are so close. She held her own, thankfully, and within a few minutes we were hugging and saying we were sorry.

That outburst and her forgiving arms were probably what I needed most today. Just someone to understand and be willing to listen and care. I miss that so much!

And what does this have to do with your life, dear reader? I don't know. It's just what I needed to say tonight. Thanks to you for listening (reading)!

Earth Day

Everyone needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and cheer and give strength to body and soul alike.
John Muir

I remember when my husband taught his Church School class about John Muir. Unusual in a church probably. We so often "stay" with the ancients, not to take anything away from them. But here was a man who called us to see, hear, participate in, and be responsible for, the great Earth we are part of.

Wednesday I spent the day in the Atrium of Constitution Hall, a state office building in downtown Lansing, where my good friend and I "wo-manned" a display for Fenner Nature Center.

Every inch of wall and window space was wall-papered with kids' Earth Day posters. Hundreds of square feet, both inside and out, were filled with displays. All day long kids, mostly late elementary and middle school, from mid-Michigan, came past our tables, touching (sometimes reluctantly) the raccoon and fox hides, asking countless questions, mostly, "What is that?" They were fascinated by the large turtle shell, seeing the spinal column lining the under side.

But they were most taken by a simple milk bottle ring and a photograph. Why? Because the photo showed the ugly result when a small turtle crawled into such a ring and couldn't extract itself. Thus this turtle grew around the ring as it was strangulated by the unyielding plastic. The kids frequently gasped or said, "Oh, how sad." At which point, one of us or another adult reminded them that any littering can endanger the critters. I think many of them will remember this simple lesson.

On and on they came: public schools, parochial schools, charter schools, home schools. Kids of every race, color and creed. By 3 p.m. we were exhausted and yet so stimulated by the kids, plus the outpouring of effort by so many to provide them with a huge display of ways to better understand and take care of "this fragile Earth, our island home." (from The Book of Common Prayer)

Wherever you are, I hope you can participate with your part of Earth--listening, looking, smelling, tasting and touching. What a glorious heritage. Let our gratitude overflow into deeper and deeper commitment to its survival.

Our Need of Recovery

Today I'll share with you a quote that struck me as so true. I need to notice what my addictions are and pray and work for freedom. Addiction is not just about something you shoot up or drink. All of us have them and it's possible for a whole nation to be addicted.

Our Need of Recovery

Brian McLaren

For many people, economic recovery means getting back to where we were a few months or years ago. That means recovering our consumptive, greedy, unrestrained, undisciplined, irresponsible, and ecologically and socially unsustainable way of life. I'd like to suggest another kind of recovery, drawing from the world of addiction. When an addict gets into recovery, he doesn't want to go back and recover the "high" he had before, or even to recover the conditions he had before he began using drugs and alcohol. Instead, he wants to move forward to a new way of life---a wiser way of life that takes into account his experience of addiction. He realizes that his addiction to drugs was a symptom of other deeper issues and diseases in his life---unresolved pain or anger, the need to anesthetize painful emotions, lack of creativity in finding ways to feel happy and alive, unaddressed relational and spiritual deficits, lack of self-awareness, and so on.

Similarly, I'd like to suggest whenever we hear the word "recovery," we as a nation see it not as a call to get back our old addictive high, but rather as a call to face our corporate and personal addictions....


I pray we are in more than just "economic" recovery. Here's to real inner and outer freedom on this gorgeous (at least here) Spring day!

I'm Baaa-ack!

Hello there, all you devoted PPP fans!! I'm sure you have been devastated not to find a new post in over a week. No? Oh, well. I can always dream. :)

Seems in downloading and installing updated protection software, something went wrong and I couldn't access my blog. Oooh, disaster! I didn't realize how much I enjoy this thing, till I couldn't have at it. Decided after getting all upset and frustrated, that I would leave the problem alone for a few days--an Easter break, as it were. And, like so many of life's seemingly impossible situations, today it was fairly easily corrected and I remained sane and peaceful throughout.

Inaccessibility does give one pause, don't you think? When something or someone we are used to, we trust and rely on, is suddenly not available to us, we are shaken and forced to reflect on the attachment, addiction, relationship, or even belief system. On so many levels I, and probably you, are facing this reality today. When we lose the use of one or more body parts or lose the certainties upon which we've based our lives or are cut off from someone we deeply love, we are awakened to our desires, needs, dependencies, expectations.

When all is said and done, we can survive, even thrive, without those people and/or things we take for granted. In my view, that is because there is only ONE who is totally accessible, dependable, trust-worthy, totally loving. In this Easter week, I want to remember what really matters most. And then, given Grace, I can go on with or without!

Holy Week begins

Today's title will mean more, or less, to you, depending on who you are. But for who I am, today is the beginning of the saddest, most loving, most beautiful, most hopeful week of the entire year.

And even those of you who don't "believe" in the significance of these celebrations, will still revel in spring's arrival--tentatively here--and buy your kids Easter candy and maybe even go to church for your semi-annual acknowledgment. Our Jewish friends will remember that ancient experience of Passover. Muslims friends will honor Jesus, too. I'm not sure if they have something special happening just now. But I will learn. And the rest will acknowledge the wonders of new life in their own ways.

Here I sit, at home, on Palm Sunday, because of a dog. Prior to nine months ago, I didn't have a dog and I had considerably more money. Now I have less money, more work and worry, and infinitely more fun and joy and affection in my life. But Tessa is ill and the ER clinic isn't sure why. We're awaiting test results. Since it's not an obvious infection, it could be quite serious. And I will walk in the tension between wanting her to live and have a good life (and augment mine) and knowing I have real limitations on what I can spend. Talk about guilt feelings!

Whatever happens, I am so grateful for our time together. She has blessed my life, helped to assuage my loneliness, gotten me to exercise regularly, and made me laugh over and over again. I have given her a nice home, security, love, and playfulness, as well as being responsible about her needs.

I got word this morning that another dog friend of mine died on Friday. She was old and had a very good long life. Her "parents" took her out in the sunshine of their back yard, where a kind vet administered the shot. How lovely; how loving. I go to her home frequently and I will miss her presence. So once more the wonderful words of Mary Oliver return to my mind and heart:

To live in this world,
you must be able to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it against your bones knowing
your life depends on it;
and when the time comes,
to let it go.

May your week be Holy!