Grief Ongoing

A friend of mine has begun writing blog posts again after a lengthy silence. A dear friend has died and she and her husband are heartbroken. It was exciting to see her posts, as she wondered if she would/could ever write again. And she has! Her efforts to put words to the inexpressible nature of loss have brought me great comfort, as she seems to understand the total change such losses bring, especially to the "nearest afflicted".

I have been without my husband of 40 years for 3 years and 7 months. And I can honestly tell you that I am still heartbroken and probably always will be to some degree. I expect others sometimes think I'm a bit reclusive; or they think I'm just fine. Neither is really true. I'm struggling for words here.

While it is nice when friends are sensitive to my loss, I know they can't always be taking it into consideration, nor do I want them to. And yet--I do want them to. I want somehow to communicate that no matter how I "seem", I am not the same as I was before; a huge part of my identity is no more. Faith helps, but it doesn't take away the knowledge that the one I lived with so long is never coming home again. No one can replace him. Add to that, all the other deaths, all the people who once comprised my family, who are no longer here, and the pain increases.

While I was in St. Louis recently, I visited a casino for the first time, and I hope the last. There I saw and felt grief almost suffocating me. The atmosphere symbolized what Hell might be like. Again, I "seemed" OK, but inside I was screaming in sorrow for all these people, sitting there at a machine--alone with the noise and the smoke and the garish lights.

I am convinced we cannot begin to over-estimate the amount of loneliness and grief that surrounds us. It cannot be quenched by anyone or anything. All you and I can do for the grieved, and that means everyone, is to try to understand, and listen when we can, and smile as we are able.

Meet me in St. Louis

Thursday I fly to St. Louis for a wedding. Not just any old wedding, either. I've known the groom most of his life and his parents are very close friends. Not only that, the wedding is to take place in the Japanese Garden of the Missouri Botanical Gardens, one of the finest botanical gardens in the world. Not only that, but I'm "officiating" at the ceremony! The second wedding I've ever performed. And I have a very cool outfit. Not only that, but a dear friend from Minnesota is joining me there, so that promises to be lots of fun. Now all I have to do is prepare adequately. I do hate to leave my little dog, but I'm sure she'll be fine in the capable hands of my daughter and my niece. The cats could care less. :)

It's nice to have something to get excited about, as I've been sad much of the summer. And those whose blogs I enjoy reading haven't been writing much, so it feels a bit lonely. On the other hand, the internet doesn't really quench one's loneliness, as much as many of us try.

So it's time to really be present with flesh and blood people and focus on their joy, which just naturally will enhance my own. May you find enrichment in the warmth and beauty of this lovely summer!

Posture again

"Stand up and be a man." "Walk with your head held high." These and other phrases in our culture, old-fashioned though they may be, speak of the psychological aspect of posture. They were usually aimed at men, especially soldiers. And I'm sure what I'm writing today applies to many men.

But for women, as I said in the last post, walking erectly, head back, chest out, has been discouraged. I thought it had changed from eons ago when I was young, but even today I see younger women walking with their heads down and I feel sad. Once she has been belittled enough, teased enough, assaulted verbally or physically enough, she will hang her head like a guilty dog. Do you remember "You should be *ashamed* of yourself!" And you are, posture reflecting it.

So claiming straight posture, the way we were created to be, speaks volumes about how we view ourselves, as God's beautiful creations, as individuals worthy of respect, as clear-eyed visionaries looking the world straight in the eye and saying "I'm here, flaws and all; I'm worthwhile; I'm part of this adventure called life; I offer my gifts and my love."

Posture

As I was growing up, I well remember my mother telling me to sit up straight, walk with shoulders back, belly held in, breasts not protruding. Of course she would never have used the word breasts! We had a whole list of dos and don'ts related to how a respectable young lady should carry herself. Of course it is also impossible to do. If you put your shoulders back, you stick out in front, right? I'm writing about this today because on my two daily walks with Tessa, I practice body awareness and good posture. When I'm conscious of it, I do try to straighten my body, but when engaged in conversation or focused elsewhere, I know I slouch and let that belly hang.

The thing is, the way we were taught isn't natural. The spinal column isn't straight. It's sort of straight at the head and neck, then curves forward between the shoulders, then straightens out again. And so, the natural way of standing is to allow the shoulders to relax(down but not in) and to let the sternum (chest) fall forward. If you practice the head back, chest forward, shoulders down posture, the rest of you seems to fall into place. And it's actually comfortable.

Now, girls, that means your boobs are going to stick out. Face it. Everyone in the human race has breasts. Women's are more utilitarian and comforting. Why we are so hung up in this culture on "showing them" or "not showing them" has always been a mystery to me.

Beneath our breasts lie our hearts, the centers of compassion and love. So let your heart lead your body; "see" life through your heart. When you literally envision that you are seeing through your heart, you will find things striking you differently. You will savor and appreciate what you sense in a deeper way. You will feel better and be a more relaxed and beautiful dwelling place for God.