Why I Smoked

Did I ever smoke?  DID I ever smoke!  Did I ever smoke!  Did I EVER SMOKE! 
Why?

Although there were several reasons, the most significant and ridiculous was I was my anger at Tom, my first college love. We had made a deal. If he would see a Dr. about the boil on his leg, I wouldn’t start smoking.  He didn’t, so I did. Thus with my very grown up 18-year-old logic, I paid him back.  He was so offended, he broke up with me.  Years later, I learned that he had also become a heavy smoker. 

And so began what became a thirteen year addiction.  I choked and coughed.  My throat was hot; my mouth tasted awful.  It seems like a sane person would immediately give up.  But I persisted.  I learned how to inhale and not cough. I became accomplished at it.  I soon learned how pleasurable smoking was.  What a faithful friend I had found. Was I frustrated?  Smoke a cigarette.  Was I lonely or sad or elated?  Smoke a cigarette.

For the next thirteen years, those little suckers were my constant companions.  No matter what else life presented, as long as I had the money, I could count on the comfort of my Pall Malls. Money wasn’t much of an issue.  In the 60’s, a carton cost less than $3.  That’s 10 packs.  That meant I was taken care of for 8-10 days.  Did I notice I was addicted?  Of course.  Did I care?  Not in the least.  Nor did I care that my habit was dirty, made others uncomfortable, and came before anything else.  Did I have a lovely sexual experience? Yes, but the best thing was that cigarette after.  Was I thrilled to be pregnant?  Absolutely ecstatic.  But I still smoked.  Was nursing my baby the most precious, sacred experience ever?  Yes, but I smoked my way through it.

And so it went for 13 years.  Gradually, I began to regret my habit.  My little girl made it clear she detested it.  My husband patiently said nothing, even after I dropped a lit one in the front seat of his car; even after I burned a hole in my winter coat while driving; even after I dropped a lit one on our friends’ couch one New Year’s Eve.  I was mortified by these accidents, but still I puffed on.

Our pretty white curtains became a light shade of brown.  The walls were dingy.  I always smelled bad. I began to regret this thing that owned me.  I prayed almost nightly to be free.  Next morning, I could hardly wait to have my first one. I switched to low nicotine brands.  I smoked more.  I remember the muscles in my cheeks aching as I struggled to get a good lung-full.

And then one day, when I least expected it, I smoked the last one.  I had gone next door to pick up my daughter and sat listening to my good friend and neighbor.  She was devastated by news that her beloved 56-year-old mother had been diagnosed with lung cancer.  I still remember hearing the news as I smoked yet another cigarette.  And deep inside, a little voice said, “You will never smoke another one.”  I finished the cigarette, smooshed it out in the ash tray, and never smoked again.  That was 44 years ago.

Those first months were agonizing.  If I hadn’t fully realized my addiction before, I sure knew it now.  My stomach hurt, I was grouchy and sluggish.  My family was afraid to ask me anything.  I gained weight, partly because of all the chocolate bars I ate to assuage my longing.  Nearly a year went by and one day an older friend at church, herself a reformed smoker, said she didn’t think I had really “decided” to quit, that I just went from day to day and didn’t smoke.  I took her seriously and in my heart I decided.  From then on, I felt better and better.  One night, driving alone down Grand Avenue in Lansing, Michigan, I shouted, “I am free!”  It was the greatest feeling in the world.  Many times since, I have thought if I can quit smoking, I can do anything.

I’ve learned that in life the things that bring suffering can serve as blessings, too.
So it has been with my smoking addiction.  I never felt that others should do what
I had done.  It was not my place to lecture or feel smug.  What happened to me was miraculous.  I couldn’t take any credit for it.  I always understood how hard it is to let go, how painful, how unsettling, how anxiety producing.  Being around other smokers never
tempted me.  I did feel sorry for them.  As it happened, most of my smoker friends quit in those next few years.  I was happy for them.

Years later, I became a hospital chaplain.  I encountered many smokers, both patients and staff.  Perhaps because of my chaplain’s listening role, many shared their concern and mixed emotions--knowing they should quit, but not wanting to either.  For some patients it was a matter of life or death.  My heart ached for those with lung disease, never able to take a deep cleansing breath, grabbing short breaths, feeling frantic and frightened.  Yet even then, some of them continued to smoke.  When it seemed appropriate, I shared my story.  I never knew if it helped anyone else quit.  I hope so.

There is a Crack in Everything

I have been stunned,violated, abused, bereft, inspired, hopeful, amazed, grateful. All these feelings and more have lived in me this week of painful revelations in my city--Lansing, Michigan. This city, dominated by Michigan State University, was my home for 50 years. This is where I taught school, was married, bore and raised a child, where I was involved in innumerable ways. This is the community I shared with my passionately dedicated writer/photographer husband for 40 years, sometimes feeling I came in second to his love for the community, the newspaper, his camera. This is where my husband, my sister, and my parents died and where my partner, Robert entered my life.
This week 150 young women screwed up their courage, came together and testified in court to the on-going molestations of a supposedly renowned doctor. 150 girls! Not only were they molested, but no one listened to their stories. Their agonies were ignored as though they didn’t exist, weren’t valuable human beings. The “renowned doctor” was believed, protected, enabled.
Trust has been broken. Hearts have been broken. Not only because of the truth, but because the “highly respected” leaders of a great university would not face the truth; cared more about protecting the school and their own reputations than about the destruction of young lives. And what has it led to? Rage. Shock. Disillusionment. Grief.
The athletic department of MSU is implicated. The School of Osteopathic Medicine is implicated. The school’s President of 13 years, who was highly respected (and highly paid), has resigned. The Board of Trustees’ role is questionable. An over-all investigation has been launched, a special prosecutor appointed.
So why did I add inspired, hopeful, amazed and grateful? Because these young women have connected, bonded, supported one another in a beautiful way. Because the judge, a woman, allowed, encouraged, and listened as each one told her story. Because the university students rallied around them, thanking them and cheering them on. Because maybe at last women are claiming their birth right, one that has eluded them for thousands of years. Because whatever humiliation, anger and grief Lansing has to suffer, maybe this city will come out the other side more honest, more compassionate, more whole. “There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.” (Leonard Cohen) 

This tribute to my late mother-in-law is my last submission to the class on Creative Non-fiction I've been taking through the Story Circle Network.  I've really enjoyed the work and I offer it here as a testimony to the power of love.

THE AMAZING LIFE OF LILLIAN EDITH

How could she know, that petite pig-tailed child, as she waved to her father and watched the train vanish, its sound growing faint?  How could she know that for the rest of her life the sound of a train whistle would evoke such pain within her chest that breathing ceased for a moment? How could she know she would never see or hear from him again?

To back track a bit, the journey of this little girl, rather like Anne of Green Gables, began in a frigid January, 1894, in Grand Rapids, Michigan. The journey would not be an easy one.  For reasons she never knew, her parents divorced shortly after her birth and  Lillian was “given” to her father by her mother for the sum of $100.  It was all very official, a typed page signed by both parents. Why?  She never knew.

Those first few years, she lived with her paternal grandparents in northern Michigan, seeing her father only when he came home from the railroad.  Much of that life was carefree and fun, as she played on the inviting beaches of Lake Michigan.  She adored her grandparents and they, her.  Occasionly she visited her mother in Grand Rapids.  “Mother” was stiff and formal, never giving her the least bit of affection.

At some point, Walter, her dad, remarried and she went to live in Muskegon with her “wicked stepmother”, who made her work like an adult and frequently beat her when dad wasn’t around.  That union produced a son, the apple of his mother’s eye, which didn’t help Lillian’s status.  It was a few years later, when she was maybe 10 or 11, that Walter deserted the family.

Grudgingly, her birth mother, who had married a
stern and hard-nosed German man, took her in, moving her back to Grand Rapids.  These “parents” were financially comfortable and lived in a pleasant neighborhood, but their rules were harsh and demanding, at least they seemed so to Lillian.  And no affection was displayed.

In her old age, she liked to tell how one day at school she talked in class and was sent to the cloak room as discipline.  When the teacher came to check on her and put her arm around Lillian’s shoulders, wondering aloud what she was to do with her, it was the first time Lillian could remember anyone putting an arm around her, ever. Thereafter, she would work to get sent to the cloak room, longing for a repeat of that affection.

Life was soon to improve, however. Following 8th grade graduation, she took a job at the telephone company. One particular day she had terrible menstrual cramps and left work early.  After walking the many blocks home, she found no one there and in misery and some desperation, she went next door. Clara Norris, a tall, thin somewhat severe-looking woman in her mid-20’s, warmly welcomed her and soon she was tucked up on a couch with a heating pad on her abdomen.

Clara, whom everyone called Daisy, was quite alone. When her fiance’ didn’t return from WWI, she never married. Instead, she nursed her grandmother till her death and now lived alone in Grandma’s large, brick house. It seemed Daisy and Lillian were meant for each other.

They spent countless joyful hours together.  Daisy introduced Lillian to culture, music, art, dance and  St. Paul’s Episcopal Church, a venerable old parish in downtown Grand Rapids.  It was there that she had her first taste of God, of unconditional love and acceptance. She hungrily devoured it.

A few years later, with financial help from the church and the support of Clara Norris, she set off for St. Faith’s, a missionary training school for women, on the grounds of the Cathedral of St. John the Divine in New York City.  Imagine her sense of awe and inadequacy, moving alone to that great city, studying with young college graduates, she with her 8th grade education, attending one of the largest and most beautiful cathedrals in the world.

Characteristically, she worked hard and excelled during training, also volunteering at nearby St. Luke’s Hospital.  The record of the 47th Annual Convention of the Episcopal Diocese of Western Michigan states that “Lillian Minhinnick, having completed two years’ study at St. Faith’s School, has been sent to China.”

And so, with the love and prayer support of Clara Norris, she set sail from San Francisco in 1920, a small, attractive, feisty and warm-hearted envoy to the people of Soochow (now Suzhou), a large and beautiful city 100 meters northwest of Shanghai.  Over the next six years, she learned the language, befriended missionaries of various denominations, helped to eliminate eye disease, loved and was loved by the Chinese with whom she worked. Her  name there was Ming Ching Ling.  Her closest friends called her Ming the rest of her life.

We must stop here, though there are countless stories of Lillian’s life adventures.  She came home in 1926 to marry Cliff Ingells, a widower with two young children.  In 1933, much to their surprise, she bore a son whom she named Norris, after guess who?  That son was my husband for 40 years, his mother my delightful mother-in-law, Daisy his surrogate grandmother.

Once, years later, I watched Lillian stand wistfully in front of a steam engine at Henry Ford Museum, the train’s whistle playing over a loud speaker.  She stood there quite a while, maybe remembering the day the train took her father away forever. Then she sadly turned away, a stoic look of determination on her strong and care-worn face.

On Being a Hospital Chaplain

I was a hospital chaplain for almost 15 years.  My mother didn’t think I’d last; not the right temperament. Somehow I did.

Chaplains don’t evangelize or preach at people.  We are just there.

I was frequently amazed at the outpourings of gratitude from folks--patients, family members, and staff.  Why, I wondered.  I didn’t do anything.  In some cases, I said a prayer, but often I just sat, holding hands, listening if they wanted to talk, being quiet if they didn’t.  I always smiled and wished them well.  

One of the mysteries of life in the hospital is how little interest the ill have in controversial subjects--politics, religion, etc.   Is it the basic human desire to live? Life definitely takes on a different perspective.  We sort out what is truly important and basic to survival.

My colleagues and I were Christians--an Episcopalian, a Lutheran, a Methodist, a Roman Catholic.  Seldom did anyone--patients, family members, even staff--ask our religion or our denomination.  I prayed with Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, atheists, Christian Fundamentalists, even Wisconsin Synod Lutherans, and they don’t normally pray with anyone not their own.  

The Catholic church had local parish priests assigned to each hospital in town.  Our priest, Father Ray, ministered with a gentle, no nonsense, attitude. I admired him.  His work load was horrendous, yet he always smiled and seemed at peace.

As I remember it, once when we appeared simultaneously at the bedside of a elderly Hispanic man, whose large family was fiercely protective, Father Ray explained to them that he couldn’t come back for a couple of days.  He put his arm around my shoulders and said, “But don’t worry, you’re in good hands with Carol.” That family welcomed my presence even as their father was dying.  

A few years later, I was privileged to sit with Father Ray as he lay dying.  We shared an easy closeness and comfortability.  When it came to life and death, the “oughts and shoulds” melted away. We all worked together.

Often there is little a chaplain can offer in the way of comfort or reassurance. After surgery, beds in ICU are raised up, allowing nurses and others to easily work with patients.  There is much to attend to following major surgeries. I remember standing on tip toe beside elevated beds, assuring recovering patients that they were still here.  On a respirator, unable to talk, the patients were uncomfortable, frequently anxious.  I reminded them that the tube down their throat was temporary;  it would come out soon.  And I smiled. I smiled a lot, often thinking how grateful I was that tube wasn’t down my throat.

One of the most poignant experiences came one late afternoon when I was called to ER.  We’ll name the “players” Lois and Roy.  Lois, an elderly woman, had a burst aortic aneurysm and would bleed to death unless it could be closed. Doctors decided to try, though her chances of survival were slim.  However, family wanted to wait until Roy, Lois’ boy friend, could get there. He was coming from out in the country, several miles away.  We waited and waited.  Finally we could wait no longer.  The surgery must happen, now or never.  

I decided to stay in ER to await Roy’s arrival and let him know the situation.  No sooner had the elevator doors closed, taking her up to the OR, than an elderly man, nice looking with a head full of beautiful white hair, hurried breathlessly into ER.  Oh my, what bad timing.  

Without giving it any thought, I quickly introduced myself and told Roy to come with me.  As we went up in the elevator, I let him know what was happening and that things didn’t look good.  It might be too late for him to see her. He looked shocked and bewildered. The OR staff also looked shocked as we charged into the holding area.  I frantically told them who Roy was and asked if we were too late.  Well, no, they hadn’t started.  We’ll ask if Roy can go in.  The answer was yes, as long as he wore all the protective clothing--gown, gloves, shoe coverings, head covering, and mask.  Well, said Roy, chuckling, I’ve never done anything like this before.  He seemed rather excited as he donned all the yellow paper clothes.  

You can go in, but only for a moment, he was told.  I followed him to the OR door and as I peeked through the small window, I saw the surgical team stand back respectfully as he walked to the operating table, bent over Lois and gently kissed her.  

Had I not intervened, Roy could not have delivered that final good-bye.  I walked away, tearfully, grateful to my core for the privilege of being a “healer” in that healing place.