Saturday, May 7, 2011

Vanity, vanity


Why must my upper arms be flabby and look all wrinkled and bumpy? This is of utmost importance to me today. Because there's nothing else in all of creation to be concerned about, is there? Oh, well, I suppose a few impending disasters. But how could any of those put me into such a snit as seeing how the new clothes I tried on yesterday showed those ugly old arms? And I feel sure I'm the only 68 year old woman in the world who looks this way. :)

It's almost that bad and that sad. I'm disgusted with myself--for caring, for letting my arms get that way, for allowing my ego to be so easily distracted, for having the audacity to think I am a fairly spiritually deep person. Huh! Nope. Just a human being, darn it. I wanted to be perfect; I needed to be perfect. Otherwise no one would love me, right?

And even though I thoroughly believe God loves me, why do I still fear people don't? From the outside view, many would say I am successful and popular, even beloved by some. But stand in a women's clothing store looking at my less than perfect image in the mirror and I fall off into a pit of self-contempt. Well, it's humbling. It truly is.

So I have no wisdom or piety to offer today. Just an admission that I take two steps forward and one step back, like everyone else. But then, when I think of it, that sounds like a dance, doesn't it?
Maybe life really is a dance, eh?
Hope I can just manage to stay upright.

Oh and by the way, the bird in the porch light nest is a robin!!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

And then I looked up!


And there it was! Birds had built their nest on my porch light.
I know. It happens all the time. But not to me!

For several days I wondered why all this long dead grass was decorating the front porch. I assumed it had blown there. Twice I swept the porch and before I knew it, there was all that stuff again. Even as I write, it sounds like I was pretty dumb, or to be nicer about it, unaware. But, finally, I looked up and there it was! I can't see into the nest, of course, but I have caught sight of a bird whipping past my kitchen window. Can't identify it yet, though my guess is it's a house sparrow.

This comes at a time when I have been particularly drawn to birds, especially the eagles in Decorah, Iowa, where a live web cam allows me to be a "peeping Carol" whenever I want to. I witnessed the 3rd eaglet as it opened its egg and have watched with delight as the parents carefully nurture these three less-than-beautiful children. Seeing them, it's hard to believe they will grow into the magnificent birds their parents embody. At the site, I learned that these eagles mate for life; that their former nest was destroyed by a storm in '07; that this 5-6' wide and deep nest is 80' up in a tree. I've watched the parents trade off: one on the nest, the other out hunting. Of course some of the unfortunate hunted look yucky as the eagles rip them to shreds, but this is the way of nature. I learned that on the farm as a child. Sometimes the nest looks pretty bloody and messy, but in no time the parents have cleaned house and all looks fine again.

Meanwhile, at Fenner Nature Center, kids from a local school class are spending the week experiencing something called Annie's BIG Nature Lesson.
From their website, here is the Mission of ABNL:
The mission of Annie's BIG Nature Lesson is to immerse children, teachers, and parents in the beauty and wonder of the natural world; to engage them in authentic scientific investigations by observing the local ecology, drawing and writing; to nurture citizens who value and protect natural resources; and to build a school-community partnership that inspires responsible environmental stewardship.

And so while I was there yesterday, I talked with the Director, Margaret Holtschlag. We soon discovered that she had known my late husband, Norris, for whom a special fund for nature education is named at Fenner. She told me of how she had encountered him once out in the park somewhere, taking pictures, of course. She didn't remember the conversation, but said she'd never forget the look on his face. It communicated beyond words his passion for nature and photography. Oh yes, my husband, the contemplative--the one I used to think wasn't very "spiritual". Needless to say, Margaret and I quickly bonded.

I was helping with data entry for Bill Earl's Fishing Event, something collaborative instigated by a good friend of the late Bill Earl, who loved fishing. On three consecutive Saturdays in May, 50 kids each time, at three locations, will be taught how to fish and given a free fishing pole. Each event is nearly full. It was fun to see how the kids are coming from outlying communities, as well as Lansing, how there are lots of girls signed up, as well as boys. There was a set of triplets even!

Well, how does all this hang together? I'm not sure.
I'll leave that for you to ponder, dear reader.

I give thanks for rain, though I am mighty tired of it.

Remember to breathe, look, laugh & love!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Spring by Mary Oliver


At this time of life, I find poetry often expresses the inexpressible longings in my soul. A friend just sent me the following Mary Oliver poem. Somehow it says enough for today.

May you allow New Life to fill your soul, dear reader!


Spring


Somewhere
a black bear
has just risen from sleep
and is staring

down the mountain.
All night
in the brisk and shallow restlessness
of early spring

I think of her,
her four black fists
flicking the gravel,
her tongue

like a red fire
touching the grass,
the cold water.
There is only one question:

how to love this world.
I think of her
rising
like a black and leafy ledge

to sharpen her claws against
the silence
of the trees.
Whatever else

my life is
with its poems
and its music
and its cities,

it is also this dazzling darkness
coming
down the mountain,
breathing and tasting;

all day I think of her –
her white teeth,
her wordlessness,
her perfect love.


- Mary Oliver

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Looking out the window this morning, it is difficult to feel cheerful. It is dark, gloomy, wet, muddy, cold, and rather ugly. And besides, now that the snow has melted, I have a back yard richly decorated with dog turds. Even the dog doesn't like to walk out there!

Of course this means SPRING!!! And for that, I can feel very cheerful indeed. New life is bursting forth, in spite of the ugly weather. In the yard, crocuses (or is it croci?), daffodils, and hyacinths are displaying their leaves. It is a miracle. This is my 68th spring (or is it 69th?) and I am still startled and surprised. What is happening? Will there be leaves on the trees again? I've forgotten how that looks. Can I go outdoors without a coat and boots again? I've forgotten how that feels.

A number of loved ones have opted for a reprieve in warmer climes, not having to look at all this, at least for a few days. And I understand. I would like to join them. And yet, and yet...even without that respite in the south, I intend to celebrate and appreciate as best I can. "The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof."

Mother Earth has been restless of late. I think she's angry and who can blame her? We humans, so arrogant and insistent on having our own way, are reminded, violently, that "mother" is in charge. It shakes us deeply, it breaks our hearts, it takes lives, it ruins lives, it changes everything. No matter how much I desire the loveliness and beauty of spring, the earth will do what it is meant to do, whether I like it or not. So today, at least, I choose to like it, mud, turds and all.