I'M TRYING AGAIN

 It appears I haven't written a blog for three years.  Did I run out of things to say?  Me?  Never.  Instead, my spirit ran out of motivation to share my thoughts.  Here I am, a 78 year old woman, unable to walk alone, spending much of my life in a lounge chair.  I felt useless, used up, with little to offer to anyone.  

 I am blessed with a beloved partner who watches over and encourages me; a very special daughter who does the same.  Though their love and concern is deeply appreciated, being waited on and worried about, also results in feelings of being an invalid. Does that mean I'm now in-valid? I had been used to being capable, independent, a spiritual leader.  Now I don't drive, I can't walk, I sit and sit and sit.  I don't pursue hobbies.  I read; write emails and post on Facebook.  The political, social, and environmental issues swirling around feel overwhelming and despair is frequently close to the surface.  Well, as with my frequent falls, though I'm full of fear, I get up and keep on trying.  And so I will try to write, fearful though I am.

Recently I've been increasingly aware of white privilege, my privilege. Living in Santa Fe the past few years, where at least 3 classes and cultures co-exist--Native American, Spanish, and Anglo, I have felt it often. Each time we need something repaired at our house, the workers are Mexican or from further South. Spanish is spoken perhaps more than English in this community.   The workers speak little English and I know almost no Spanish.  I sit in my lovely home watching, as they work and sweat.  I feel guilty.  Can they afford to hire help?  Do "anglos" come to fix their refrigerator? 

 I attend a church which proclaims its inclusivity, which is sincere.  Almost no non-white people attend.  We use Spanish in some of the rituals anyway.  There is a small number of Native Americans, no black people.  Actually, there is a very small black population in Santa Fe.  Of course, people from other cultures have their own ways of worship.  Why should they want to attend a white protestant liberal church, anyway?  Do we attend their churches or houses of faith?  So no matter how well-meaning our efforts, white people remain at the top, intending to be "helpful", instead of examining within ourselves how we have participated in creating and perpetuating our own superiority.  Racism is not a black or brown problem, it is a white problem and only we, if we humbly examine our assumptions and attitudes, can make things better.  I'm sure I'll be writing more on this topic.

Thank you for listening!

Carol, Song of Joy